"I (29M) am struggling with avoidance and doubts with my gf (32F)"

I have had avoidance issues ever since a toxic relationship in my early 20s, which only worsened my relationship with love after my parents’ divorce when I was a teen. After that relationship, I remained avoidant, using apps for hookups and validation—sex and masturbation as emotional regulation, with shame buried underneath it all.

I met her and immediately felt like I wanted her. I definitely idealized her. I wanted to be in a relationship with her right away, which is strange for me. I was s